Parenting can lead to some of the greatest joys in life. However, it can also lead to massive challenges. Just when you think you’ve mastered the tantrum-filled toddler years, suddenly you have a moody, eye-rolling teenager who seems to take issue with everything you do or say.
Why Your Teen Seems Angry
Even though your teenager’s mood swings may be difficult from a parenting standpoint, it’s usually age appropriate and normal.
Some factors behind why your teen seems irritable or angry more often include:
- Hormonal changes
- Desire for independence
- Social influences
- More responsibilities
- Self-discovery
These major life changes combined with their still-developing brains can lead to moodiness or angry outbursts.
“When a teen feels angry or irritable, it’s often a combination of them actually feeling disappointed, embarrassed, guilty, or sad,” says , a child and adolescent psychologist at Huntsman Mental Health Institute at СAPP. “It comes out as anger because they don’t have the words or ability to express it. Their brains aren’t fully developed until their 20s, so while they can think abstractly and feel these big feelings, they don’t quite have the ability to engage in impulse control, emotion regulation, or just taking a moment to think before saying or acting out in an angry way.”
Tips for Dealing with Your Teen’s Anger
If you find yourself frequently on the receiving end of your teen’s anger and aren’t sure how to effectively communicate with them without escalating the situation, remember to utilize your GIVE skills:
G – Gentle: Speak to your teen gently and respectfully. Try to remain calm and regulated. Avoid yelling, name-calling, or accusing them of anything.
I – Interest: Put your phone or computer away to show your child that you’re interested in their lives, feelings, and what they have to say. Give them your undivided attention when they’re talking to you.
V – Validate: This part can be difficult for parents because you may not agree with why your teen is angry. However, validating their feelings and letting them know they have the right to be mad can help them feel understood and respected.
E – Easy Manner: Stay calm and approachable with your teen. Try not to seem too formal, but instead remain easygoing. While your intentions may be good, avoid trying to problem solve or fix everything for them. You’re just trying to listen and understand.
Model Healthy Coping Skills
“I encourage all parents when chatting with a teen that’s moody or angry to be a model of good emotional regulation,” White says. “If you stay calm and neutral, they’re likely going to match you, but if you yell and scream, it’s going to continue to escalate.”
If an argument does escalate, don’t beat yourself up—you don’t have to solve the problem right then and there. Suggest taking a short break and then revisiting the situation when you both calm down. Then model healthy emotional regulation skills by doing something that helps you calm down, such as going on a walk, drawing, or doing a mindfulness exercise.
Set Consistent Boundaries
White suggests having a family discussion about expected boundaries and the consequences that will happen if they are crossed. Invite your teen to collaborate on a boundary they feel strongly about. For example, if they want their curfew to be midnight, but you think it should be 10:00 pm, discuss meeting in the middle at 11:00 pm. The important thing is to stay consistent with the consequences.
When to Seek Professional Help
While it’s normal for teens to be moody, look out for these red flags that might indicate the need for professional help:
- Extreme changes from their typical baseline mood
- Isolation
- Inability to function in the day-to-day (i.e. slipping grades)
- Bullying others
- Damaging property
- Animal cruelty
- Talking about hurting themselves or others
- Expressing hopelessness or talking about suicide
If you’re worried your teen has an underlying mental health condition, such as depression, check in with them regularly. Don’t badger them about it, but letting them know you notice that something more serious might be going on can encourage them to eventually open up about it. Or you can ask to see someone for help.
If your teen is participating in or talking about unsafe behaviors, such as self-harm, suicide, or threatening others, you can call the 988 suicide and crisis lifeline, a free and confidential service for anyone experiencing a mental health crisis and their loved ones.
Equipped with this knowledge, you can avoid escalating tough situations while maintaining boundaries and teaching your teen healthy regulation techniques.
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